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he awakens.
a toke.
a cigarette.
medications.
bright morning sun in the window.
he stretches out a little before continuing a not poem about our theory of everything as such.
it is a bit somewhat in confusion as this is the state the data we receive from it is in.
everything seems in contradiction with much of itself.
contradictions of truths people are willing to kill and die for.
we need to learn to use imagination and reason to sort through it.
or we just play with it as is.
where there is confusion there is realization awaiting.
we abide.
but what we can perceive about everything as it is itself is amazing.
everything in play.
we try to be in play with it.
sliced apple.
thoughts dance whirlwind around in his head.
he thinks about going to the café when it’s soon open.
he pets the fat black cat and she bites at him.
she wants to play.
interesting interaction between the dancing ticking dolls on the windowsill.
action/reaction yin yang thing.
he ponders what meanings they might exude.
everything as it comes to mind.
another cigarette.

at the café scribbling in a notebook a not poem continuing about our theory of everything and such as it comes and goes skating on thin ice making it up as we go along on pathless paths crisscrossing others when we steal what we find of useful value to us and our aimless ways and means.
if we are to be cast out this is what we need to learn to adapt in whatever situation we might find ourselves in and unsure how we might get out but that’s the testing trick as everything is full of tricks from what we have been able to determine in our sweet short lives.
tricks we play on ourselves.

creating sustaining destroying transforming everything in the moment divided ongoing now looking into the ordered chaos of it never quite repeating the same ever yet remaining appearing solid and real in the world.
another trick.
we laugh at the joke.
he steps outside for a smoke where he wonders about the seeming in-between world we exist in never this or that or the other thing on and on yet he holds a pen in his hand putting it to paper leaving marks of ink communicating meaning or not meaning to another familiar with them and their function.
there is so much he feels he does not know and much of what he thinks he knows he doubts yet continuing to believe in part taking it apart to inspect its inner components to determine what error there may be that might be corrected to his liking and understanding in his weaseling way of going about it knocking on the gates of eden whether to get in or get out he does not remember anymore but this time in the world would seem to have been a waste of his time not paying attention to much of it as little of it captures his interest but he has always wondered about what everything is that is so strangely familiar like déjà vu thing spiraling through his life flashing impressions of revelations.

it’s in the air.
it’s in the spirit.
it’s in everything once it is recognized and realized as such being as it is.
communicating with others in psychic intuition communion of imagination along happenstance synchronistic networks linking by slender ethereal threads minds to minds.
there is not much way to explain for those who do not experience it for themselves.
unless he is indeed gone mad.
there is not much way to explain that either for the same reasons.

the way of the long and winding road with no destination but the journey itself to the door open to new perceptions in sideways logical assumptions devising other designs to intrigue us further along.

to those who gave up and suicide themselves.
we salute you all.
to those who realized perhaps the true nature of the situation and actually did something about it while the rest of us still clinging to life are the real cowards.
true explorers beyond the limits of life into possibilities of death.

as the deals go down and there’s no turning going back.
we make our choices timidly or boldly.
little obvious observations of what we experience and imagine about everything within perceptions of states of mind and attitude and emotions.
the whole of being human and describing the human condition.
the existential hoo-ha of it.
the desperate meaning of our angst thing.
we kill the gods.
we rise up to take their place with our rationalogic science and technology hoping it might save us from the dubious nature of our existence thus far.
and nothing changes except everything costs more $$$ for a buncha cheap ass shit.

he tries to think about as much of everything as he can but he doesn’t know all that much about it.
what he’s gleaned from others along the way and put together as he feels fit to do so in some haphazard fashion of it as it appears to him to be as it is in and of itself.
but maybe not.
it works for him so far.
it works for him being crazy as fuck as he is able to be if the situation warrants.
otherwise he is just fine and dandy minding his own business as he kinda wishes others would do.
free to do what we want not what others expect and approve of.
fuck that.
but they have seized control of all necessary resources we need to live and survive.
what are we to do?
there is no way out of it.
we try to revolt but it always ends up the same with an elite group in power and the rest of us still fucked.
so that’s pretty much out.
the revolution is within our hearts and minds.
never mind anyone else doing it for us.
we do it for ourselves individually and perhaps critical mass takes effect and outward change occurs.
but we can’t depend on that.
we must assume nothing but that we are doing what we do for ourselves alone.
it doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter if anyone joins us or not.

home and a nap.

he awakens.
a toke.
a cigarette.
he coughs and hacks.
but he’s not crazy, he’s just an idiot.
except for the voices and hallucinations that apparently no one else hears or sees but he doubts that.
they probably don’t wanna admit it.
what would the neighbors say?
but insanity is a social construct.
the collective decides what is to be accepted as being real or fantasy if it is a society that makes such distinctions which most do to varying degrees and about different experiences.
a crazy person in one society is a shaman in another.
it is through these constraints we need to find where we fit into the scheme.
we seem to be unique whatever we are.
and we have been viewed in mostly negative light throughout the ages and the world.
this is all we have to go on to discover our history is these references to us.
we must put it together for ourselves in whatever way it seems to make sense to us whether it might go backwards and opposite of what the prevailing society believes and will tolerate.
we have to be always on guard around them.
they look for any discrepancy of behavior to judge.
they are always watching.

to be free in our heads is perhaps all we can do while outwardly we appear as no one.
or we let our freak flags fly.
it depends upon the social environment.
mindful what will get us imprisoned or killed.
there will always be this friction between the individual and the collective.
the collective wants agreement and organization in order to function.
there are those who make their way to the top to decide what that will be or not.
but it takes the whole of the collective to make it happen.
the individual decides at that point whether to go along with it or not.
be careful.

they’re not gonna control us, they’re gonna cut us loose – guru jeff.

visualize world riots.
the futility of it.
it only places others in power instead of the old.
a world of war lords.
history repeats itself.
we will be free to do whatever we want.
free to die.
free to be taken out and shot.

he lights another cigarette.
it’s our control and mastery over ourselves that’s the question.
there are a multitude of answers – truths.
but if we observe we can discover and learn what they agree on.
we steal and use these bits and pieces from them to fashion our own ideas.
we are on our own.
we belong to no one – except the benevolent state.
change the world within and see the world without.
he’s always seen the garden in his mind and walked in it in life.
it has always been.
it will return.
he nukes a hot dog.

he has always felt more or less relaxed and calm but other people make him feel crazy from their energy.
he has always thought and imagined and dreamed about everything.
this is one of his only comforts that has served him to come to understanding.
his writing has been his meditation.
he writes as he thinks as he writes.
an endless stream of consciousness he lets go and floats down toward the sea.
he has been selfish in this.
his time alone with his mind.
he has given up many things he could have achieved had he been interested.
to live a simple life of leisure.
this world is confusing.
he became confused with it.
he became paralyzed by it.
he learned how to gaze through it to see a world that could be.
a world few others seemed to be aware of – but perhaps not.
he has witnessed that world coming to manifest itself in his vision until now it seems on the verge of being born.
what a terrible day that’ll be.

everything.
a singularity crack in the wall of the void bursting into everything everywhere everywhen.
a beginning without beginning.
calculations go coo-coo.
intuitive imagination proceeds.
everything in complementary opposition action/reaction yin yang thing.
everything on/off.

a couple days later he continues.
coffee.
english muffin with orange marmalade.
a toke.
a cigarette.
doing laundry.
take out the trash.
clean the cat box.
and stuff.

feeling on the paranoid blue side this morning.
so much brutality in the world in thought, word and deed.
a great big frustrated mess.
often times he just wants out.
but he is still curious about what happens.
the adventure continues.
ups downs turn arounds – sideways.
he tries to send out counter energy along with perhaps many others around the world if we can do so.
if we can find it within ourselves in the moment.
trying to bring a new world into being for ourselves at least.
to wander naked unafraid through the crossfire.
all aboard the mind shift/ship.
things have turned out ok so far.
will they continue to do so?
he feels a sense of foreboding.
the meds are supposed to alleviate that.
they aren’t working even with the recent increase in dosage.
not now anyway.
not this moment.
he doubts everything.
the boot stomping on a human face forever.
that seems to be the goal for many – as long as they’re the ones wearing the boot.
death to thine enemies.
make them pay for their transgressions against thee.
the lord god has spoken.

no lord god he will never have anything to do with.
his god doesn’t call itself lord.
his god does not issue vengeance but radiates understanding.
his god has been crushed into the earth.
it gives no one power over others as they wish to have it.
it and we endure till our time.
rising above to the clouds and sun and moon and stars and beyond.
all this supposedly infinite universe and everything else besides.
all for those who will it to be.
thinking along meandering pathless paths till we come across something of some interest and use to us we gather to take with us on our destinationless journey in this world.
what could it be?
we can only discover in time what treasures we might possess in heaven.
he wants nothing but peace, love and understanding which is mocked in this world as being naïve and foolish.
put your boots on.
we must defend ourselves against the onslaught of those against us.
so goes that rationale for continuing the war to end all war.
a war that can never be won.
we stand our ground.
what else are we to do?
join them?
why don’t they join us?
but they are the multitude.
unthinking groupthink is their strength and victory and conquest over others.
that is something they feel is the upmost importance for whatever reason.
rosebud.
they are everywhere around us organized as small circle of friends to large global organizations.
all against one another.
all against us.
we are them.

but this is how the world has been and probably will continue to be.
we cannot heed it.
nor can we entirely ignore it.
but through it all has been communications among those of us perceiving a different world.
those who withdraw from this pointless reality to find another.
we attempt to bring it to life amid all the death surrounding us of this present world as it is.
and it is here for those able to tune themselves to it.
the garden that still flourishes beyond the destruction this world imposes on it.
see it in a single weed growing out of place in our ideal dreams of domination and control.
let the earth be.
it knows what it’s doing better than we do.
we learn from its example.
but those who perceive an eat or be eaten reality have usurped control.
they manifest it from themselves.
this has been their philosophy in action.
even their holy books reek of it.
but even in the worst is buried hidden secrets of knowledge otherwise if we know how to find them.
let intuition be our guide.
we will find them – or is it they find us?
they leap out from the pages at us with open eye to see.
here it is, baby.
hahaha.

dig it.
dig it all.
for better or worse.
think about everything.
realize that what evil we perceive is only part of the larger picture.
all is contained within the other.
all in balance out of balance teetering on the edge of reality that could go any way we choose.
find the middle path within.
keep it steady as we can through the whirlwind world.
we have no stars to guide us in this outer darkness we have been cast into.
we are left to rely on chance.
but chance is what has gotten us here thus far from some beginningless beginning.

we are not among the chosen.
crowded traffic jams on the freeways to heaven.
horns honking.
fights breaking out.
we have taken a look at that way and opted out.
to find our own paradise within to carry it everywhere we might end up.
alone together.

to find worlds to our liking in this world seen with new perspectives of perception.
no one else needs to know.
they can figure it out for themselves given time and inclination.
until then we must suffer them in their madness they view as sanity while we are diagnosed as being the ones who are mad.
dreamers of unrealistic dreams while they claim themselves as realists.
they know what’s going on.
they know how it is and how it is meant to be.
sadly this is true.

more coffee.
another toke.
another cigarette.
his way is ill-advised for anyone seriously determined to proceed on a chosen path toward enlightenment.
follow the leaders.
obey their instructions.
discipline oneself.
it may come your way.
or not.

living a half-life.
within and without.
here and there.
now and then.
keeping our options open for escape.
to escape ourselves who we have been manufactured to be by social indoctrination.
the lies and deception.
the omissions.
the diversions and distractions.
economic pressure.
everything we must find our way through to be free and clear of their control and manipulative domination.
when all hope is lost new hope is found.
or not.
we just go down never to rise again.
he has found this not to be true.
he has fallen many times along the way.
the doors keep opening for him to crawl through to the another side of this life.
he has been fortunate while millions have not – billions.
he cannot think about that now.
born without a chance in hell as the gods decree for their amusement.
as fate allows.
but happiness is found in strange places indeed.

to bring ourselves to overcome the gods.
make them obsolete in our mind and imagination.
we become gods ourselves as we are learning.
we walk the earth mildly observing.
we spend our days as mortal humans might.
we feel pain and pleasure.
we experience desire and fear.
we perceive good and evil.
we die.

we awaken laughing.
what a trip.
let’s do it again.
spin the wheels one more time.
this amusement alleviates our perpetual boredom of immortality.
what else is there to think, say or do in eternity?
we have run ourselves out empty of dreams to come true.
whatever works is an option – guru jeff.

he goes to take the clothes out of the dryer and set up more coffee for when his baby wakes up.

guru jeff?